Tightrope
by JayneForester
Summary: With tears in his eyes Kylo Ren voiced his anguish. "I'm being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain. I know what I have to do but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?" Kylo Ren's thougths and feelings during his confrontation with Han.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars**

Tightrope

"Ben!"

The shout echoed in the vast expanse around them, father and son, magnified by the enormity of their surroundings, but it did not surprise Kylo Ren. He had already sensed his father's presence, and the presence of the others with him. The traitor Stormtrooper and the girl in whom he had sensed such a strong presence in the force, along with the hairy brute of a co-pilot that was never far from his longtime friend, watched apprehensively as Han Solo called out and the surrounding Stormtroopers swung their weapons towards him.

The use of his old name, long abandoned, but familiar when spoken by that particular gruff voice, caused a tremor to run down Kylo Ren's spine, but he ignored it as he turned to address the man who was now approaching him upon the thin bridge, heedless of the danger he was in.

"Han Solo. I've been waiting for this day for a long time."

And he had. Ren had known that a day would come when he would have to confront his father. He knew that the pull he was feeling by the dark and light sides of the force, and the eventual direction he would take, depended on his actions at this moment, revolving around this man before him.

Han Solo responded with a plea. "Take off that mask. You don't need it."

To this statement Kylo Ren disagreed. The mask meant many things. It inspired fear in his enemies. Women, children, men, all cowered before him when faced with the cold, emotionless, and faceless person before them, and he reveled in the power he felt during these moments, the power he felt when he held lives in his hands, hearing proud men beg and frightened women scream for mercy. It coursed through his veins and gave him strength and a sort of euphoria as he brutally cut down those who stood in the way of his goal and his anger.

In his moments of weakness, when the temptation of the light side weighed him down and he felt remorse for his past actions, the mask served as a barrier between him and that world, allowing him a false anonymity that gave him a sense of security that he hid behind. The name and mask of Kylo Ren was feared around the galaxy, and Ben Solo could be safely trapped within to prevent further seduction from the light side of the force.

The mask also harkened back to the one who Ren had modelled himself after, Darth Vader. Vader was his guide, and he had resolved himself to finish what had been started by his grandfather. But he, Kylo Ren, would not be called back the light. His former master, Luke Skywalker, had told the story of Vader's so called redemption, of how his father had wanted Luke to remove the mask covering his face as he died. To Ren, this act represented the failure that his grandfather made in the end, and so determined that he would keep his mask as a symbol of his loyalty to the dark side of the force.

Even so, Kylo Ren wondered what his father thought would be under the mask, and voiced his thoughts. "What do you think you'll see if I do?"

Ren was uncertain how he wanted his father to answer. He was certain that a part of the man must expect to see the face of a monster underneath. If a person's face was a painting upon which his past was written and his eyes windows into the soul, than surely his face was wrinkled and marred and his eyes dark and tainted.

In spite of himself, a part of Kylo Ren, the part that still called itself Ben Solo, hoped fervently that this was not so, that the man standing unthreateningly in front of him, would show him the unconditional love of a father. And when he got his answer, this part of him leapt and began fighting against the dominant, angry part of him.

"The face of my son."

As Ren fought an internal battle with himself, the light side of him that still cared about a father's love struggling against the tumultuous hurricane of hate and bitterness inside him, his hands reached up and removed the mask covering his face and dropped it onto the matching black surface of the bridge.

Ruthlessly, he clamped down on the part of him longing to be just that, to be Han Solo's son and, equally ruthlessly, he responded.

"Your son is gone. He was weak and foolish like his father, so I destroyed him."

Han refused to believe the words coming from his son's mouth. "That's what Snoke wants you to believe, but it's not true. My son is alive."

At the mention of his master, Kylo Ren internally flinched. He could imagine Snoke's deep voice whispering, swaying him with tantalizing truths about the dark side of the force, about the power he could wield, about how he could be the one to accomplish what his grandfather had failed at. Focusing on the teachings of his present master, he refuted Han's statements.

"No. The Supreme Leader is wise."

"Snoke is using you for your power. When he gets what he wants, he'll crush you. You know it's true." Han looked upon his son with pleading eyes, and in them Kylo Ren could only read concern and love.

Despite his former statement in support of his master, Kylo Ren knew, although he had refused to admit it to himself, that Han spoke the truth. Snoke was by no means a selfless man and once he had no more use for his apprentice, he would dispose of him, eliminating the perceived threat to his position.

For a brief moment, Ren allowed himself to imagine what would happen if he listened to his father's pleas. He could picture the joy in the aged face before him, the embrace he would receive from his mother. The image of him being a part of his family again was so tempting and heartrending that it physically hurt when he came his senses and realized that it could never truly come to pass. He had committed too much evil to go back to the way things were, he had tasted the power of the dark side and could never forget it. Even if he could, those his parents supported could never forgive him, and he would be condemned as a war criminal, locked away with no hope and no future.

With these thoughts, he told his father with a choked voice, "It's too late."

But Han refused to be deterred, and continued to torment Kylo Ren with promises of love and a family. "No, it's not. Leave here with me. Come home. We miss you."

 _I miss you too,_ thought Ren, but he did not have the strength to say the words.

He felt as though he was standing suspended in space, choking and gasping for air as he struggled between the inexorable pull of a black hole behind him and the pull of gravity from a sun before him, its incandescent light framing Han's aged face. To kill Han would be to shatter the sun, leading it to super nova and then dissipate, leaving behind only the black hole behind him to drag him into its lightless depths. Once that happened there would be no escaping; nothing escapes black holes.

He couldn't get away from the pull of the black hole, but the sun also gripped him. The two cosmic forces ripped and tore at him, and inside his mind he was screaming in tormented suffering. The only way to end the pain would be to kill his father and rid himself of the light, but he was afraid, and a part of him desperately wanted to be guided back to the warmth and comfort of the sun.

With tears in his eyes Kylo Ren voiced his anguish. "I'm being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain. I know what I have to do but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?"

He waited in agony for Han's reply, looking into his eyes and seeing compassion and sympathetic pain as his father listened to his words.

"Yes. Anything."

At these words, Kylo Ren felt his heart lurch, and he slowly held up his lightsaber, inviting Han to take ahold of it. His father did so, but Ren could not bring himself to fully relinquish his grasp on the weapon. His fingers loosened for the briefest moment before tightening again.

 _No!_ He would not give in to the sentiment of the light side. He had a duty to do, a destiny to finish his grandfather's path. He would study the dark side, becoming more and more powerful, more powerful than Snoke, more powerful than Darth Vader. He battled against his thoughts, his yearnings to accept the merciful hand offered to him. He was walking upon a thin tightrope as precarious as the bridge upon which he stood.

As he and his father gripped the lightsaber in between them, their physical struggle reflecting the emotional turmoil Kylo Ren was experiencing, the son looked into his father's eyes, searching, pleading for an answer, he found the resolve to do what he must do.

End.

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 **A/N: For the moment I am leaving this as a one-shot. I have some ideas for more (going back through Kylo Ren's childhood to see how he came to where he is, or continuing on from here, or making it AU) so if you are interested let me know.**


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